Mirage

The blues were back. They had no reason to be there and I don't know how or why they returned. Try as I might, I can't help being dragged down by their weight. Of course, it wasn't our first tryst and I should've found the job of getting rid of them to be a petty one. But no matter how many times we meet, they never have an air of familiarity to them. Perhaps there'll be a day when I come to terms with the blues and maybe even go ahead and embrace them. But today was not that day. The blues were right in my face and despite my best efforts, I failed to keep them at bay. Solace distanced itself from me even as I told myself that the blues are probably what I've been preordained to and any escape from them would only be temporary. I sighed in resignation and continued sipping my coffee that was devoid of any essence. Or maybe it wasn't the coffee that was lacking in essence.

I was conversing with a very good friend of mine, simultaneously trying my best to conceal the blues. I may have been successful, for the question, "Are you okay?", never came up during the course of our conversation and I was relieved that it didn't. The blues would only get worse with every passing question that would acknowledge their presence and that was the last thing I needed. We were talking about the place and the people around when my lifeless eyes fell across the girl sitting at the table that was diagonally opposite ours. I don't know if our eyes actually met or if I was merely imagining it, but I turned away and got back to the conversation. Even as we were talking, I couldn't help looking her way. Strange was her allure, for despite not having anything spectacular around her, she seemed to be asserting her grace over me. I told myself that I was only being a fool and it'd do me good to wise up. And as always, I failed. Miserably.

Her heart-shaped face, wrapped in a hijab, was just another face in the crowd until....until a smile descended on her face. The blues. The coffee. My friend. The cafe. The people around. Myself. Everything seemed to belong in oblivion and her smile felt like the only reality that mattered. It was the kind of smile that'd manage to tug at a cynic's heartstrings. The kind of smile that put every kind of pain to sleep. The kind of smile that only the divine ones can muster. The kind of smile that obliterated all the blues in the world. Even mine. Like a tinge of sunshine in the midst of a fierce storm, it was the safe haven I had been trying to grope in the dark forever.

Calling it overwhelming would be an understatement. I tried to shrug that feeling off, not realizing that it'd be another attempt at failure. The smile refused to relinquish her lips and my eyes refused to acknowledge anything else. Each passing moment only made me feel more vulnerable until I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. Out of the blue, I said to myself, "Why don't you go tell her?" I had a thousand reasons as to why I shouldn't do that and not one reason as to why I should. Yet, the urge to talk to her remained.

My breathing had become a tad bit heavier and I felt hot air escaping my ears. A few drops of water was what I needed to ease my nerves and so, I went to the washroom and washed my face. When I looked at myself, I could see the contrast between the two of us and it couldn't have been more apparent. She looked like all the Gods had come together to create a celestial masterpiece and...I was just another worthless creation that the same Gods discarded midway. "There's no need," I told myself, trying to assuage my disquieted soul. I picked up my bag and headed for the exit but I stopped. "No! I'm not leaving just like that," an adamant me, who I didn't know existed, asserted. "Shut up! Just get out of here", the seemingly sensible me told myself. As the back and forth continued between the versions of me, I managed to dig deep and find the courage I needed to overcome the ordeal.

I went up to her and completely ignoring her friends, I asked her if I could pay her a compliment, a line my friend had suggested. She turned towards me and her eyes bored into my being. Notwithstanding the shrinking feeling encompassing me, I said, "You've got a really heartwarming smile. It made my day. I hope you have a great day too." Even though it may have sounded like a cliché, every single thing I had said was laced with honesty right to the bone. I saw her cheeks turn red and that sent me into a dizzying frenzy I was unprepared for. I could have had my heart broken into a million pieces. If only I had one.

I just left the place and was about to disappear but I didn't. Instead, heeding my friend's advice, borrowing a pen and a piece of paper, I penned down what was going to be a string of words that would never be able to do justice to what I was really experiencing. "There's a certain life in that smile of yours that can turn a stranger's darkness into a canvas of rainbows", I wrote and added my contact number at the bottom of the note. I knew that the number was just another road to futility but I went back inside and handed over the note to her. Surprise was what her face expressed and the blush resurfaced, setting my otherwise dormant soul on fire. Before I'd turn to specks of ash, I exited, this time for good.

I was surprised to feel my life slowly being sucked out of me as my body temperature kissed the ceiling. What had she done to me? I asked myself, clueless about the weird thing happening I me. The rest of the day went by with nothing of significance happening. All I did was play over a hundred situations inside my head as to how she'd have taken it but I didn't nurture any hope. I watched plenty of faces walk past me, without really observing any of them, fearing that the image of that unearthly smile would fade away. There was a tiny ray of hope that maybe, even if the chances were one in a billion, she would decide to contact me. After many frustrating seconds of staring at my phone, foolishly expecting a stranger's message, I did what I should've done hours ago. I gave up.

I returned home after a while even as her thoughts kept me company, unperturbed by my desperate attempts to push them away. One last look at my phone and I realize I was right all along. There was no way she'd do that. And for some strange reason, I felt glad about it. I don't know why I was glad but that thought brought along with it a feeling of liberation.

And just like most things in life, feelings too are transient and peace may turn out to be sour grapes if one gives in to their charm. When I wake up in the morning, I don't know if that smile will still remain in my head. A part of me, albeit an insignificant one, tells me that another tryst is on the cards. But the cynical me, the one who laughs hysterically at the mere mention of love, tells me to just get on with it. Honestly, what the future holds is not something that I can afford to ponder over and only time will provide me with definite answers. For now, I'll just have to contend with the blues returning, for in their arms, I gently fall asleep.