A Silent Goodbye

The gloomy skies seemed to describe the mood better than the words of an inebriated poet. Goodbyes are hard, aren’t they? Especially when it’s your best friend. Someone who’s been a constant companion through all the bright and dark phases of your life. Someone who knows and understands the side of you that the world never acknowledges. Someone…well, I can go on and on with this but I’ll just say that we had known each other for four years already and we knew that ours was a relationship that would end in our graves. But deep down, there was something very unsettling.

He dropped me at my home and we looked at each other. We didn’t say anything, though, because goodbyes were something we usually avoided. Soon, each one of us would be embarking on different journeys and this meant the dynamics of our relationship would change. This left us with quite a few questions. In fact, a lot of questions.

How often will we meet each other? Will we stay in touch or will we get too busy with our lives that we’d have to plan even a simple phone call? Will either of us change the next time we meet? Will our bond be as strong as before? Will we…will we..will we..will we..?

Only a few hours ago, we had promised each other that everything would be alright and nothing would change. These promises were our hope but we two hardly relied on hope. We believed that hope is why people are disappointed in the first place. Yeah, we were pessimists and we never denied it. We kind of felt secure by being so.

I looked at him and there he was sitting on his bike unsure of what to do next. We bade farewell to quite a few friends of ours recently and we knew the script. Tell them to have fun, stay in touch, take care of themselves blah blah blah. We had mastered it. But strangely, neither of us could find the right words. I did stutter a bit but I preferred saying nothing.

It was the same case with him. He put the key in the ignition but didn’t start the bike. As I watched him fidgeting with the key, I couldn’t help but transcend into the past. All the conversations we had, all the crap we did together, all the moments when we had each other’s backs, the fights, the laughter, the pain we shared….everything flashed in front of my eyes. I choked.

Honestly, at that moment, all I wanted to do was cry. But I didn’t for I was afraid he’d do the same and that’s one sight I’d never be able to handle. I forced a smile and he got the cue. It was time to leave. He reciprocated it and we hugged each other. We usually keep blabbering until someone asks us to shut up. But this time it was different. Not a single word was exchanged.

I turned around with my back facing him and waited for a few seconds. There was an eerie silence and I didn’t really want to look at him again. I stood still until I heard the sound of the engine revving. I turned back to see him leaving in a jiffy. I smiled. It was a relief. We, for the first time, bade each other adieu without even saying a thing. Maybe we both knew exactly what the other one was going through and we knew better than to exchange fake pleasantries. A silent goodbye was what we needed at that time to alleviate the angst within us.

It still wasn’t over, though. I had a lot of ‘will we’ questions to deal with and only time would provide me with the answers I was looking for. For now, I’ll dwell on something I’m not a fan of - Hope.