"Please Write" - A Note to Self

After spending more than an hour on Facebook just scrolling down and reacting to posts, I realized something. I’m not writing. Why? I don’t know. It’s not just now or today; it’s been going on for a while. I don’t know for how long, but I wasn’t even aware of that.

What am I even doing? I told everyone that I’m going to be a writer someday. A few of them even believed that. Hell, I believed that more than anyone else. But I don’t see it happening. Seems like I’ve lost it. What is it that’s more important than my dream? Will my dream ever turn into reality? Probably not if I keep going on like this.

When I look back at what I’ve been doing for the past few days, I see I’m spending most of my time ‘socializing’. Checking out memes that don’t make me laugh out loud, liking posts without even reading them, watching videos that I’m not even interested in, texting everyone I possibly could just to make them aware of my existence etc. What baffles me the most is that I’m forcing myself to do things I don’t really want to but I’m not even acknowledging the thing I love the most.

Stories - the essence of my life. That’s my world. I’m always on the lookout for stories and it doesn’t matter who or what it is about; as long as it piques my interest, I’d drown myself in it. All these stories, in weird ways that amaze even me sometimes, somehow make their way into my writing and my writing isn’t merely about words. It’s about my existence. All the words that I put down are parts of me and all the stories that I come across make me what I am.

That is my world and belong there. Unfortunately, I’ve been trying to make my way out of it for reasons I’m oblivious to. I’m trying to please characters that live in a superficial world who in turn are trying to please others and somewhere along the line, I’ve lost track of my goal. And the very idea that I’ve lost track of it depresses me. Maybe I’ll never be able to put down words that will make sense when they come together. Maybe I’ll never be able to write with the same zeal that I was once proud of. Maybe I’ll never hear the words “You write well, CK” again. Maybe I’ll never be able to say “My dream has come true”. Maybe….Wait.

No. All hope is not lost yet. At least I’ve realized that I’m slacking. At least I’ve realized I’ve lost motivation. At least I’ve realized that I need to change things. Most importantly, at least I’ve realized that I still have a dream.

What next? Simple. Work towards my dream. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to be where I want to be, but until then, I’ll keep writing. If I ever find myself distracted again, I’ll remind myself that I should write, because hey, that’s what I do - write.